Week Four’s Wholehearted Journey took me down the path of cultivating a resilient spirit by letting go of numbing and powerlessness. When I get into situations where I no longer feel in control and confident, when I become overwhelmed or exposed what are those damaging behaviors I engage in? Well, it started with recognizing what led me down the path of wanting to numb.
But what made this weeks journey even more special to me, was the night my daughter climbed in bed with me as I was drawing one of my reminder pictures; SHE started drawing “reminder” pictures for me to reflect on when I get in a place where I want to numb (we’ll get to those precious pictures in my next post.)
While I would love to say that I can handle anything that comes my way and come out as Super Woman on the other side, I have realized that this is not who I want to be. The appearance of keeping all of the balls in the air at the same time is exhausting. Why did I hold onto THAT pride medal for so long, only to go home away from people and see all of the ball fall like rain, to the floor. I was starting to feel like a fake. I wanted to yell out:
I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN
On the outside things looked solid, polished and put together, but in the comfort of my own home (and my own mind, I was struggling).
Learning what makes me numb has helped me to stop and ask for help when I need it the most.
So let it be known; when I feel the pressure, when I am confused and pulled in many different directions, when I encounter conflict, when those evil thoughts of not feeling good enough begin to creep back in, I can now have the awareness of what makes me numb.
Can I always not numb? No, but when I do enter those challenging times and know what my numbing looks like, I have a little birdie on my shoulder whispering:
You’re doing it again Rebecca, reach out and talk to your friends, don’t numb, because when you numb the pain, you also numb the joy.